Honestly I have been effed up ever since the election results came in. We were knowing all the way up until they said his name that Hillary would win. Then she didn’t. Then he did. And that was it.
I know I went into shock. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t think, couldn’t cry, couldn’t process the words that were coming out of Wolf Blitzers mouth. It was a grief that I had never known. It was a crossroad and the step we took seemed destined to take us into the gates of hell. I became angry and began blaming everyone. The Bernie or Bust people, Director Comey, White female feminists who “just couldn’t trust Hillary”, the make America great again zealots, Hell, my husband (Black man) and the dog.
I made a video expressing my anger and fear. Because fear came next. As the days progressed fear surpassed anger as my dominant emotion. I was struggling to make sense of what was happening. I found no peace in End Times rhetoric, or don’t worry we’ll get through it and then came the announcement of the march.
I read on my friend and faithful companion Facebook that there was a Women’s March On Washington being planned. Something stirred, I went in search of more information. When I found the organizing page I was a little perturbed. It was the same reason I made the video and titled it the Women are White the Men are Black BUT Some of Us at Brave. Yep, I saw no women of color. So I googled to see what else I could find and found Britanny T Oliver’s blog.
Britanny laid out why she didn’t support the WMOW and I found I had to agree. So when I learned there was a different march being held in Chicago I thought I’d go and get involved. I won’t talk about them because they are still in the planning stage and seem to have an eager outreach team. But, after sitting in a committee meeting I began to have reservations. I reflected on it for a few days and then I removed myself from the organizing team.
So now I’m just walking around resigned and melancholy and then President Elect Trump goes and names the climate denier as the head of the EPA. That one got me. That and Kanye looking defiant and skinheadish with PET on the news.
I went to bed last night asking for insight, for another way to look at this, for some relief, I even thought about the working class whites who are going to be heartbroken the way we were when the stimulus package went to the banks.
So around 4am (when Spirit usually speaks to me) I was awakened by the need to go to the bathroom. On the way I looked out of the window and the beautiful moon had cast a bluish light over the yard and it was breathtaking. Then I heard turn on Sevan. So I went back to bed, put on my earphones and youtubed Sevan, a young Black visionary.
The first thing he said when I pressed play was something like this, you must avoid the tendancy to look with fear when something occurs in the world. You must go within and find your appreciation for life itself. Find your gratitude source and drink until you are filled and can feel your self on solid ground. What ever is going on here in America it is not worse than what is going on in other parts of the world. Find your gratitude.
Rev. Dr. Johnnie Colemon once said, the primary cause of suffering is forgetfulness. I forgot. I forgot I come from a long line of survivors, I forgot I survived, abuse, addiction, incarceration, being broke, more abuse and low self esteem. That I am a womyn who has know pain intimately and has not only survived but I thrive.
So with that revelation I fell back to sleep. A few minutes ago I finished watching a Ted Talk that lifted me above the clouds. It gave me my mojo to write here again. I got my groove back. I’m feeling good. In this moment all is well and well indeed. Love is my weapon of choice. And if I can’t be with the one I love I will love the one I’m with. Reluctantly. Because I refuse to be angry and scared for 4 effing years. I have lived that life it ain’t pretty. It dries you out, sucks up your zest for life and your creativity.
I have too much to do to be caught up for that long.
The Ted Talk – What Really Determines Skin Color is on my Facebook page.
Have a nice day!
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